Copyright © 2016, Liz Currin, Ph.D.
Our generation didn't invent pornography. The word comes from the ancient Greek “porni” and “graphein”, meaning literary and artistic works depicting prostitutes. Throughout human history, people have been fascinated by sexual behavior and have devised countless ways to access images of it.
But the means of access have always changed with the times. The advent of cinema revolutionized our ability to view pornography. It became possible to steal away to the darkness of a theater and watch forbidden movies, those that would never be shown in a mainstream theater.
Our grandfathers may have made a trip to the corner store to “run an errand”, and returned home with a magazine full of images of nude women, perhaps engaged in various sexual acts. These magazines changed over time in their depiction of sexuality, beginning with scantily clad women (“girlie magazines”) to full nudity, to graphic displays of genitalia. One only need think of the progression from “Playboy” to “Penthouse” to “Hustler” in order to understand the market for increasingly explicit images of sexual behavior.
Clients sometimes come to me and nervously ask if I think they're addicted to porn. They are almost always men, although women also view pornography, but less frequently, in different circumstances, and apparently with less guilt and anxiety.
One of the first things I do when having this conversation is to clarify the language. I reserve the term “addiction” for chemical substances, whether alcohol, recreational drugs or prescription drugs. Instead, I use the term “compulsion” for sexual behaviors. The language is critical, in that “addiction” implies lack of choice in whether or not to engage in substance abuse. “Compulsion”, on the other hand, acknowledges a strong drive to engage in an activity, but with the ability to make a choice. In other words, an alcoholic or a heroin addict may experience extremely unpleasant, even dangerous, physical symptoms when not using the substance in question. Someone with a sexual compulsion, on the other hand, may experience increasing anxiety and distraction from normal activities, but is not at risk for seizures or other withdrawal symptoms.
The pornography discussion is complicated. The question as to whether one has an unhealthy compulsion in that area involves a number of factors. And it's important to note that psychologists and other mental health professionals disagree on this issue. We'll look at a few of these issues and address, as well, the role that advances in technology play.
Most of us were likely raised with the idea that pornography is just plain wrong. While our parents may not have explicitly discussed this with us, their responses and attitudes toward sexual images in various media have helped shape our views in this area. And, by extension, our attitudes toward sex may have been influenced by them. Many of us grew up with the notion that sex is “bad” or “dirty”, at best, a necessary evil. These messages may have been explicitly communicated, or simply conveyed by omission, by a parent's failure to have an open and frank discussion about sexuality and what it means within a relationship.
When working with a client who is concerned about his use of pornography, I always ask about a spouse/partner's attitude toward it. Some couples incorporate pornography into their intimate life, using it to heighten their excitement and pleasure. This, of course, is a very personal choice, but the important point here is that the experience is mutual. There is no secrecy, no concealment of behavior from one's significant other.
Most often, the scenario that's presented in therapy does involvement secrecy and concealment. The use of pornography is conducted privately, without a partner's knowledge, and with fear of discovery by a spouse or partner. Not surprisingly, in this case, pornography is used as an aid in masturbation. The client knows that his spouse would be upset if she knew about this activity and so he takes care to conceal it from her.
When I speak with the spouse of someone who secretly indulges in viewing pornography, she is most often distressed by the behavior and feels threatened by it. She is frequently concerned that her spouse may compare her appearance and sexual behavior to what he is seeing online. When having this discussion, it's often appropriate to underscore for her that these are fantasy women, merely an aid to her spouse achieving sexual release. They are not real to him in the sense that a coworker, a friend, or a neighbor would be. This may be cold comfort for her, but it's an important reminder that the actresses or models are fantasy objects, and not real-life threats to her marriage.
One issue for someone whose spouse views pornography is often the perception that it is degrading to women, that it objectifies them and justifies abuse and even violence toward them. This concern is justified in that, while some women have made lucrative careers as porn stars, many others have entered the world of pornography through some degree of coercion. This might involve drug dependence, or even sexual trafficking. For every actress who enters this world, there is a human story.
A major concern for a couple struggling with pornography is the degree to which emotional energy that would otherwise have gone into the marriage or relationship is being siphoned off by the use of porn. There is, of course, the question of time that a couple could be spending together in an activity of common interest. But perhaps more important than the time itself is the physical and emotional energy that's no longer available for the marriage. If someone has just spent an hour on the computer viewing porn, he may have little interest in heading upstairs and joining his wife of twenty years for what he's certain is to be a predictable sexual interaction.
It's impossible to ignore the role of technology in society's use of pornography. Again, I refer back to the days of printed images, for example, magazines. The advent of video, such as VHS tapes and then DVD's, as well as the ability to record and privately view something of interest later on TV, revolutionized our ability to consume pornography. And, fast forwarding, today virtually all our electronic devices give us instant access to porn. Couple that with the explosion of online porn sites (the fastest growing segment of websites), and the individual is left with both a dizzying array of choices—and his or her own discretion and moral compass.
So, again, if you're asking yourself the questions, “Do I have a problem with porn?”, “Is it damaging my marriage?”, the answer may well be “yes”. While there are no hard and fast answers to the issues outlined above, there are psychologists who can help you understand compulsion in this area, and arrive at a solution that works for you and your partner.